The new player ratings for FIFA 22 are out. And what’s crazy is the fact nearly every single person who’s looked at the ratings has said, “Yep. I never thought I would see the day when I was so overwhelmed by the correct assessment of an athlete's abilities that I would weep uncontrollably like I’ve seen true beauty for the first time, but here I am.”

However, I’ll admit, I have seen just a few folks who have had slight disagreements with the ratings. I know that’s hard to hear. But it’s the truth.

So let’s address some of those concerns. Mainly, my concerns. Because, folks, I am one of the few with slight disagreements. Throw the first stone if you have to. I get it. But before you do that – not that your noodle arms would do much damage in the first place – you should recognize I have tremendous power here. It’s my understanding that games like FIFA and Football Manager use articles just like this one to help them establish ratings for the players. So for example if I wrote something like, I don’t know, “Dax McCarty is the fastest player I’ve ever seen in MLS,” a scout for the game could cite this piece as a reason to raise the pace of Dax McCarty, the fastest player in MLS.

Anyway, besides Dax “Human Cheetah With Rocket Boosters Attached” McCarty, here are some polite suggestions as to some folks who could use a ratings bump here and there.

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Miles Robinson has spent the year establishing himself as not only one of the best center backs in MLS, but as perhaps the best center back in the US men’s national team player pool. Yet here we are. Running around with a Miles Robinson representation that may potentially look like him but will have few similarities beyond that.

Going through these, it’s pretty clear that draft picks and homegrowns are getting the short end of the stick here for, I don’t know, not playing in the Dutch third division or something. Players who have competed in different leagues seem to get an automatic boost at times. I think we should consider we’re underrating players and the quality of the league as a whole.

Which, of course, is all a really polite way of saying 70 OVERALL FOR MILES ROBINSON ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE’S NOT EVEN THE HIGHEST-RATED CENTER BACK ON ATLANTA UNITED. Y’ALL, WHAT???? DUDE HAS BEEN CALLED BY TEAMMATES THE BEST ONE ON ONE DEFENDER THEY’VE EVER GONE AGAINST. HIS PASSING RATINGS AND DRIBBLING RATINGS ARE STILL STUCK IN 2017. Y’ALL, WHAT????

See. Slight disagreements.

Fontas is the slowest player in MLS according to these ratings. I don’t really feel that passionately either way about that. Seems kind of mean. But that’s it really. I just think maybe we should have a little more respect for the guy that’s been leading the league in goals added the large majority of 2021.

Hello, Electronic Arts. Please update any mentality ratings for Mr. Henry Kessler of the New England Revolution to a 99 overall. Thanks and blessings.

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The best player in the league is a 68 overall?

If it pleases the court, I’d like to present this evidence on behalf of my client.

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I know he’s not exactly a stellar finisher most of the time, but 70 overall feels harsh. Because no one gets in better positions more frequently. It’s why he leads the league in expected goals and assists by about three and he has 12 goals and seven assists on the season.

He should probably be involved with the Landon Donovan MLS MVP discussion far more than he has been at this point. I think this one may be on the soccer blogging community honestly. But we’ll use our powers for good here and try to get Taty a deserved bump.

I really didn’t even look, but his crossing ability is too low.

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Ricardo Pepi is sitting over here at 64 overall and behind 15 of his FC Dallas teammates. I realize these ratings may have been compiled before Pepi started consistently starting, but we should probably give this one a teensy upgrade when we get the chance.

And while we’re here, might as well give Nkosi Tafari a bump as well. No real reason, I just think he’s cool.

Dike scored nine times in barely half a season in the English Championship and we’re gonna give him a 68 still?

Yeahhhhh gonna have to bump that shooting rating wayyyyyyyyy up.

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There’s a reason why Glesnes is the fourth-leading scorer for Philly this season. And it’s because Philly really haven't been good offensively. But also because he’s got one of the best legs in the league.

Hey! A lot of these guys seem pretty good on this game. I bet their team is one of the best in the league (I’m sorry, Toronto fans).

Yeah, like the whole team. Give everyone involved with Nashville a plus-four overall bump and I think we’re getting closer to representing what’s a top-five team in the league right now.

I just want to remind everyone Hany Mukhtar has 10 goals and nine assists this season. And Walker Zimmerman has immediately cursed every team he’s ever left, we can’t underrate that. Plus, it has Dax McCarty’s pace at 44 when he’s the fastest player in the league??

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